Lyric Talkin Candy Bar Blues

(spoken story with guitar accompaniment)
Bought a candy bar the other day,
only ate half, s gonna throw the rest away
when I saw this kid playin in the street,
I said "Hey kid, you want somethin to eat?"
he said "Whut?"
I said "Candy, son." He said "HELP!"
Then he started to run,
and I stood there,
watchin him go,
half a bar of chocolate
runnin down my fingers.

Well the kid comes back in a minute or two
but his mom s with him and the neighbors too,
and they got the kid scared it s plain to see,
they say "Which one done it?" he points at me.
He says "Him". I say "What do you mean?"
He says "YOU!" then he starts to scream,
and I m standin , everybody s lookin ,
everybody s starin -at me- ... (nervous laugh)

"Howdy doody...y all waitin for the bus?
Ah ... a little late isn t it ... anybody got a watch? ...
we could uh see how late it is ...
I got a better idea, let s find somebody with a watch
and stare at him!"

Well some start pickin up baseball bats
and the others are pullin the pins from their hats -
"I think this thing s gone a little too far,
hell, I only offered him a CANDY BAR!" I said "WAIT!"
I said "What are you doin ?"
They said "PRE-VERT the kid s life is ruined!"
"Oh...oh well then you better check what he s chewin
cause I got the feelin
he s in the middle of a bubble gum orgy!"

Well they re comin at me and I m backin away
and then I hear this policeman say
"Are you positive he s the right man?"
(I quick flicked the candy bar out of my hand).
He says "Show me."
I says "Show ya what?"
He says "The CANDY BAR you degen-a-rut" and he grabs me.
He grabs both my hands.
Pretty easy to see ...
which hand s got the chocolate!

Well I ve had some troubled times before,
but none like the trip from the candy store ...
sympathize with the kid all right,
somebody s nice to ya, probably ain t right.
I ll grow up, I ll learn the way.
I ll learn so that my later days ll be prosperous.
(Chocolate covered) ...
if I don t bite off more than I can hide.